The Four Stages of Marriage

Marriage is a journey not a destination.  It is a dynamic, ever-changing experience.  Just as an infant develops from a passive and fragile newborn into an overactive two-year-old into a peer conscious teenager – in like manner, marriages and families “develop” through predictable and recognizable stages.  Awareness of these stages and the challenges they present can serve as important “warning signs” for what lies ahead, allowing time for caution and preparation.

Come Learn about four common stages of marriage and some of the challenges that each stage presents and learn biblical practical suggestions for action and discussion.

Stage 1: New Love
The honeymoon begins and two individuals start blending their lives.  This is a picture of married couples without children.  Average time of this stage – 2 years.

• Power struggles are inevitable when needs for attention and affection aren’t met.  Increase “dating” times and show plenty of affection.
• Take turns choosing fun activities to do as a couple.  The blessing is in being together, not in the activity.
• Establish a goal of “not letting the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26).

Stage 2: Shared Love

The first child arrives and love must now be shared.  This stage involves families with children through age 12.  Average time of this stage – 12 years.

• Schedule weekly staff meetings to maintain open communication.
• Review material on intimacy needs and identify what your spouse might have missed – this often helps define how you can best love him/her.
• Make careful observation of your response to disappointments and irritations in dealing with your partner – if you stop “giving” your giving is conditional

Stage 3: Mature Love

The first child becomes a teenager and love had better be mature!  Families remain in this stage until the last child leaves home.  Average time – 15 years.

• Always keep in mind that neither of you sees any issue totally objectively; we all have blind spots and bias; you need one another so stay together.
• Date” your spouse! Plan it, talk about it, look forward to it and watch your kids learn from it.
• Make family nights a priority, even if the kids groan and complain.  Keep family nights fun and let the kids have input regarding what you do.  Be sure to communicate that the most important aspect of these times together is, “I just enjoy being with you.”

Stage 4: Renewed Love

The last child is “launched” from the nest and love can now be renewed. This stage lasts an average of 28 years.

• Accept limitations of energy, mobility, and resources as you enjoy one day at a time, treasuring life’s special moments.
• Fears of children leaving home with unresolved pain can be removed through vulnerable times of sharing regrets, and confession and forgiveness.
• Vulnerability and openness are very important in dealing with anxieties, feelings of inadequacy and hopes for the future.

North Seattle Church of Christ

13315 20th Ave NE

Seattle, WA 98125

flyer

Those familiar with sports with understand the term “second-string”.  That is the second or a substitute choice for play at the specified position. It’s a difficult position because you have to work as hard if not harder.  Yet realize that you may not even get to play in the game.  Luckily to God, there is no second-stringers. Each person plays a vital and important role in the body of Christ, the church.  Paul reminds of us this in 1 Corinthians 12, that each Christian has a function that is unique yet interdependent.

Often in the scriptures we find Paul traveling with a companion.  Is the companion any less important than Paul?  Often times because Paul is the one doing the preaching that is recorded we slight the significance of those accompanying him.  The word companion comes from the Greek (syzugos), which is translated; “people harness together, complementing one another and pulling with a common goal and purpose.”

Sometimes I wonder how far Paul would have traveled without companion, Dr. Luke, not only a help in spreading the gospel, but a doctor. Working together, fellowship, community and companionship has always been part of the heart of God.  Jesus had twelve intimate companions.  Jesus mentions that the Holy Spirit will be sent after His departure to be a comforter or companion to the apostles (John 14:16-18).  You can probably guess what that word means in Greek, paracletos, someone who is called alongside as a helper or advocate. That’s the Holy Spirit. How does one serve as a companion?  When looking at bible characters like Luke, Epaphroditus, Aquila & Priscilla, all who were fellow workers with Paul, we find common attributes. (Romans 16:3-4, Phil. 2:25, 30)

• not an easy role
• requires much stamina
• requires sacrifice
• dedicates life to helping other individuals
• helps others follow Christ
• encourage, pray and support others often at great personal cost
• prevents others from self-destructive paths or compromise during challenging times

God doesn’t view this as second-string playing.

Each Christian has a crucial role to play in the kingdom of God, the church.  Whether we believe our role is prominent or supportive Jesus needs obedient followers.  Jesus calls us to be his friends and companions (John 15:14, Luke 6:46).  However they are predicated of allowing Him to lead as we all take the supportive role.  We want to give encouragement to those who work hard behind the scenes, receive little or no recognition, or shown little appreciation.  As one minister mentioned, “God, He know you by name!” You are not a second fiddle or second-stringer to Him. Just like the two little kids in the picture above  taken at an orphanage in Thailand lets support one another with smiles.

Emerging into Authentic Manhood this young male adult class leads teen/pre-college young men along a journey toward real biblical masculinity while fostering deep spiritual, emotional, and personal growth.  An authentic man is responsible and accountable, rejects passivity, leads courageously, serves humbly, loves God’s woman, and expects God’s greater reward for faithfully living in this way!

Sunday Morning Worship 11:00 a.m. – come sing songs of praise, pray, fellowship, and lift Jesus Christ up as the Lord and Savior of our lives.

Sunday Evening Worship 5:30 p.m. – Short 25 minute lesson followed by break-out discussion groups related to the lesson and making it practical in our everyday life.

Wednesday night  Bible Class 7:00 p.m.  – We are conducting a verse by verse study of the book of Matthew.  “Turn the other cheek.” Really?  What does that actually mean?

Song Service Last Sunday of month 5:30PM – a service of songs and prayer to glorify God and edify one another.

Song practice Last Sunday of month 4:45PM -5:20PM – before the song service we learn a new song each month.  This helps us to sing a new song to the Lord.

Roving Class: 2nd Friday evening of the month 7:30 p.m. – we meet in homes for a short 3o minute video lesson & discussion with social time afterward.   We are currently studying “Christians responsibility to government”  Hot topic these days!

Making the Best  Men Better — Last Friday  7:30 p.m.

Lady’s Bible class Third Monday of month 7:00 PM

Young Women of God Wednesday nights 7:00 PM – young ladies learn how God sees you as beautiful, blooming women in the kingdom of Christ.  Femininity is tied to adorning yourself with spiritual jewels of wisdom and knowledge.

Emerging into Authentic Manhood Wednesday nights 7:00pm – young guys what does God expect us you as you grow into manhood and becoming leaders?  What does the bible show about different leadership styles and personalities for managing one’s life?

Teenager/Young Adult bible class Sundays 10:00am – how do you make heads or tails of the information you receive in science class? Does science and the bible agree? Is evolution also a matter of faith?  What do they have in common if anything? What will I need to bolster my faith?

We should give our best in all that we do.  Since we sing acapella it’s important to practice and know the songs so we can sing .  The words and melody of the songs bring heart-felt love, joy and reflection to our singing worship.  The songs are not for download, just a listening, practice resource.

• For You Have Promised
• Let Us Worship
• 05 Beautiful One
• 04 Knowing You04 In Remembrance
• Above All
• Days of Elijah v                                                                            Agnus Dei
• King of Kings                                                                                Pierce My Ear
• Amazing Love                                                                             Christ Above Me
• Ancient Words                                                                           One Thing I Ask
• Down to the River                                                                     I Close My Eyes
•  There’s A Stirring
• Higher Ground
• How Great Is Your Love
• 02 Hosanna
• • O What a Glorious God
  • Lord Have Mercy
  • I Stand In Awe
  • Beautiful Lamb of God
  • My Eyes Have Seen Your Glory
  • Come Let Us Sing
  • Planted by the waters
  • Glory and Honor
• I Will Celebrate
• Hearts Courageous
• To Be With You
• Better Is One Day
• Blessed Be The  Name of the Lord
• Come to the Table
• Covenant of Love
• Deep Calls
• God Who Comes To Save
• In Christ Alone
• Lord Have Mercy
• Wonderful Merciful Savior
• Hide Me Away
  • Shout to the Lord
  • Before the Throne of God
    ExaltedSoliloquy & Prayer Worthy Is the Lamb
  • Thy Kingdom Has Come
  • And We All Bown Down
  • Holy & Anointed One
  • Here I Am To Worship
  • Lord for Your Glory
  • You are Great Than My Heart
  • I Belong to Jesus (no clap)
  • A New Anointing
• Now to Him
• SATB

Point 2
The truth according John 4:24…

“God is spirit and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and truth.”

There is a part of man that is different from any living creature placed on this earth. When God created man in Genesis 1:26-27, He broke the mold with this animal life and created something unfathomable. All animals have some type of body and soul life, but man is unique.  We read in 1 Thessalonians 5:23 that man is composed of three elements, body, soul and spirit. This fact means that mankind; God’s highest earthly creation is vastly different from any other life form on this earth.

Point 3
Man is the only creature on earth that asks questions like; “Why am I here? What is my purpose? What happens to me when I die? Is that right or wrong? ” God has placed within man a part of eternity, a spirit. The spirit is the portion that lives forever or is eternal.  Once it is set upon the path of life, your spirit is part of eternity and cannot be destroyed by anyone other than God.

Therefore, spirituality is not communing with nature, feng shui, astrology, yoga, a medicine wheel, or channeling the universe.  It is about relationship, your relationship to the God who gave you the very spirit that currently dwells in your physical body.  Remember that God is spirit and the only way we can commune with Him is through our spirit. So spirituality is simply your relationship with the Creator.  Are you following His word of life found in the Bible ?(John 6.63)
Yes, then you have a great loving relationship with God, your spirituality is great, and you inherit eternal life.  If you are not following God’s word of life found in the Bible, then you are not connected in a loving relationship with God and He cannot acknowledge as being in complete relationship with Him. In this state our inheritance is one of  wrath and eternal death and punishment. We chose where our spirit will reside for eternity with or without God.

The wonderful way that God has setup the entire picture of spirituality is beautiful.  You don’t have to rely upon the TV spiritual gurus to explain to you how to commune or have a relationship with God. It’s in the Bible!  Let me give you an example.  In Philippians 4:9 we read Paul’s inspired words from the Holy Spirit…

The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Point 4
So Paul says that the things he has taught and the things you have seen him do, you do and God will be with you.  So we can sum up that Paul had a great loving relationship with God, his spirituality rocked. How did Paul start this relationship with God?

So Paul says that the things he has taught and the things you have seen him do, you do and God will be with you.  So we can sum up that Paul had a great loving relationship with God, his spirituality rocked. How did Paul start this relationship with God?  When we look at Paul’s life through our Bible camera, we see him persecuting and killing Christians, until Jesus shows him that his idea of spirituality and serving God is different from God’s view.  This is similar to many people today who believe they can follow God their way and leave out anything they don’t agree with in the Bible.  Is that following Paul’s example?  No.  He repents or changes his thinking to conform to God’s word.  Does he have spirituality yet?  No.  God sends Annaias to teach Paul what he must do to become a Christian or follower of Christ, or to be in relationship with Father through the Son.  Is he there yet?  No.  Although Jesus has spoken to him from heaven, blinded him, sent Ananias to preach to him and remove  Paul’s blindness, his relationship with God is still incomplete  Why?

He still has not obeyed God’s word.  Ananias tells Paul to arise and be baptized and wash away his sins. Acts 22.16. Then he can call on the name of the Lord, be in complete relationship. Does Paul do that?  Yes.  It is at that point his  relationship with God through Christ begins, he is now part of Jesus Christ’s kingdom or church and now he must remain faithful to God’s word until death and will receive eternal life and glory. Revelation 2.10

That is spirituality according to God!

Joan sat in her Monday morning mother’s support group frustrated.  “I just can’t seem to get control of my little boy.  He terrors through the house like Taz from the Looney Tunes.  He acts like a two-year-old.” She placed her hands in her face and started crying. “How old is your son?” Someone asked.  “He’s two.”

We are familiar with the phrase “act your age”.  Often as parents we forget that our kids fall into this category.  How wonderful it would be for them to pop out of the womb with a certain level of sophistication and maturity, “mother may I assist you with preparing dinner?” However, think of the timeless memories lost and not experienced or lessons learned.

In training children in the path they should go, we must understand the nature of childhood.  How do children view the world?  Do kids have fears, goals and needs? Let’s take a look at your child through his eyes.

No Control
Johnny is a newborn and without the help of another he will die.  His total dependence is based upon outside factors that he has no control over.  What a helpless feeling!  Suddenly Johnny realizes, crying brings everybody running.  So when he’s hungry, he cries.  When his diaper is soaked, he cries.  He has taken his first step in gaining control of the world around him.

In a nutshell it’s the same for us as adults.  We build confidence and gain a sense of power when we control our world.  We feel safe and secure.  This control comes in two types, a positive need for confidence or a negative drive for power. Just like adults children have to develop a sense of confidence in order to be emotionally healthy.  For the child or adult who turns out to be a demanding tyrant the problem lies in an unchecked drive for power

I can remember living with my brother and his family for a year.  The kids were well-behaved, but you often would see glimpses of the power struggle.  “It’s time to go to bed.” After tucking the kids in the adults would sit down and enjoy a movie.  Sarah quietly tip-toed to the edge of the stairs to announce, “I’m thirsty!”  She was given a glass of water and tucked into bed.  Two minutes later, “I have to go to bathroom”.  “You just went to the bathroom.  You need to go to bed.  Good night, go to sleep!”  Two minutes later , “I can’t sleep, I think I drank too much water.”  By now it’s not cute anymore. “Go to bed Sarah!”  “ There’s a bug in my bed.”  “Okay! Okay! Just come down and lay on the couch.”  Victory!   Sarah and her parents were in a power struggle.  When sent to bed, the parents were in control.  Sarah by being persistent with her little episodes was able to wear down her parents.  She got the attention she wanted and proved she didn’t have to go to bed. She had won the power struggle and control with the additional bonus of  upsetting her parents.

Confidence
When searching for confidence and control our children can be guided down two paths, positive or negative, depending on our responses.  When Sarah scampers into the house proudly waving a picture she drew of her mother at school, she glories in her achievement and searches for praise that will build her confidence.  This probably wouldn’t be the best time to point out that your nose or feet in her drawing are not anatomically
correct J.

Boys search for praise that will build their confidence all the time.  Ron likes to help his Dad haul the groceries from the mini-van to the house as he imitates his father’s behavior.  “Dad I’m really strong!” He exclaims as he struggles to carry the gallon glass bottle of organic apple juice.  Dad be worried that he will drop the bottle and shatter it can exclaim: Be careful!  You’ll drop it!  It’s too heavy!” In Ron’s little mind this translates as “You are small and weak!”  Or Dad can quickly but gently take the glass gallon and say, Thanks, son.  You’re such a great help!” Notice that now Ron’s confidence and the gallon of juice are still intact.

A desire for confidence is a God-given need.  Notice Joshua’s need for confidence as he takes on the responsibility of leading the millions of Israelites to the land of Canaan, after Moses’ death.

Joshua 1:5-6 “No man will be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. “Be strong and courageous, for you shall give this people possession of the land which I swore to their fathers to give them.”
NASB95

Everyone wants to feel confident and adequate.  Emotional maturity is marked by a feeling of confidence.  There is a peace and good feeling that accompanies confidence in our abilities.  We should try to build these up in our children and others as well.

Can the search for confidence and power be bad?

Yes.  When that search leads to conflicts and struggles for power it’s not good.  Unfortunately, some individuals will never feel secure unless they are in control.  They believe they must be in command to gain security.  Some children will test every rule you lay down to gain a feeling of power.  Why?  They are attempting to prove their strength by breaking the rules.  So that’s why as parents we must set limits and boundaries.  Kids are pushing the buttons to learn how much control they really possess.   When boundaries are not enforced our children become insecure.  If we give into childish demands and manipulations for power we all lose because it only reinforces negative behavior.

Application:
As a parent, be strong and courageous!  Limit the power struggles and build confidence in your children with positive praise and encouragement.  Enforce the boundaries and limits that you establish in your household.  Realize that these same concepts apply to you and your relationship to God and the world around you.

“Time to get up”, mom shouts

Pulling the covers over his head Timmy murmurs, “Okay.  Just a few minutes more.” Mom enters the room and shakes Tim, “ Hurry up, shower and come down for breakfast.  You’re going to be late for school again.” Finally, thirty minutes roll by and Tim approaches the kitchen table.  It’s 8:15.  The bus has come and gone. Frantically, mom scrambles around the house, packing lunches, bringing Tim his school books, coat.  “Here you missed breakfast so eat a granola bar.  We have to go.”  She grabs the keys and whisks him off to school.

Similar scenarios take place thousands of times each day in American households.  Parents and children are frustrated and this becomes the norm.  Happy childhood memories are lost as each day’s encounter reinforces patterns of maladjustment.  These patterns which become habits are the little seedlings for future problems at the office, marriage or on the job, which will prove difficult to change.

Think about it.  To be a doctor requires twenty years of education. Electricians, plumbers or carpenters usually complete several years of apprenticeship and training, but for the work of child rearing no formal training is usually required.  In today’s society kids are becoming fathers and mothers at very young ages with no instruction or modeling of child-rearing. Generations of kids raising kids will continually thrust our society into chaos and moral decay.  There are countless numbers of physically grown people displaying the social and emotional maladjustments of an adolescent. However, there is hope to overcome with God’s help and parental planning.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Why is Spiritual Development So Important?

As your children grow physically and emotionally, the spiritual development will touch every part of their lives.  This development will shape the child’s social and emotional, relationship to God, parents, teacher, siblings, employer, spouse, and friends and will affect their outlook on life.

Being counseled a young lady  was asked to describe her father.  She answered, “He is gentle, honest, kind, a gentleman, very loving…but I feel he is also distant.  When asked to describe God, she used similar words, “…loving, kind, all-powerful…but He seems so distant.”

A child’s image of God is influenced by his relationship with his parent.

Genesis 1:26
Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”
NASB95

God, being spirit, invisible and living in Heaven, is difficult for a child to grasp, but God provided a solution to this problem, the family unit.  A physical means to represent and explain a spiritual reality.  As a child grows she learns about love, kindness, justice and mercy from her earthly father.  Therefore when God is explained she begins to comprehend.  “If God who is a spirit and invisible is heavenly Father, He must be like my father. That’s what God is like!”

This simply means that child-rearing starts with your personal relationship with God.  Spiritual, loving and mature parents make the transition easier for children to understand God’s character.  On the other hand, inconsistent, domineering, emotionally distant parents will instill a poor father-image.  Therefore children who are reared in this environment may see God as distant, uncaring, bullying or weak.  Many people seek God, but their vision is blurred by the character of their earthly parent.

Application:

Before raising children, secure your personal spiritual relationship with God.  Learn more about Him and His parenting methods for you.  Work toward being the Christian, child of God, disciple, brother, sister, friend that God wants to you be.

1 Thessalonians 4:9
Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another;

Being a parent can be very confusing!  There are thousands of conflicting ideas on child rearing, discipline, punishment and reward.  Theories come and go like the up and down horses on a spinning carousel ride.  However, all child-rearing should be based upon solid objective truth.  Ever heard this phrase “…the truth shall make you free.” There is one piece missing “…you shall know the truth…”  In order to successfully raise a family without vacillating back and forth on every new theory, truth is needed.

The Bible provides the best foundation and groundwork for the parent-child relationship.  Notice the word “relationship”.  You may want to be your child’s best friend, but is that the correct relationship for a parent?  Yes, there are times when we lavish and enjoy the precious moments where three year old Jenny says, “Daddy you sick lay head on pillow so I give you medicine.” Or the scary times of giving Danny the keys to the car for his first date. Yet, by combining biblical truth, practical insight and God’s wisdom we stand on solid ground and can have confidence in a balanced approach to child rearing. I can still here my mother’s words resonating, “I’m raising you up to give you back God and away to someone else!”  That’s what it’s all about.