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I
can remember living with my brother and his family for a
year. The kids were well-behaved, but you often would see
glimpses of the power struggle. “It’s time to go to bed.”
After tucking the kids in the adults would sit down and
enjoy a movie. Sarah quietly tip-toed to the edge of the
stairs to announce, “I’m thirsty!” She was given a glass of
water and tucked into bed. Two minutes later, “I have to go
to bathroom”. “You just went to the bathroom. You need to
go to bed. Good night, go to sleep!” Two minutes later ,
“I can’t sleep, I think I drank too much water.” By now
it’s not cute anymore. “Go to bed Sarah!” “ There’s a bug
in my bed.” “Okay! Okay! Just come down and lay on the
couch.” Victory!
Sarah and her parents were in a power struggle. When sent
to bed, the parents were in control. Sarah by being
persistent with her little episodes was able to wear down
her parents. She got the attention she wanted and proved
she didn’t have to go to bed. She had won the power struggle
and control with the additional bonus of upsetting her
parents.
Confidence
When searching for confidence and control our children can be guided down
two paths, positive or negative, depending on our
responses. When Sarah scampers into the house proudly
waving a picture she drew of her mother at school, she
glories in her achievement and searches for praise that will
build her confidence. This probably wouldn’t be the best
time to point out that your nose or feet in her drawing are
not anatomically
correct
J.
Boys search for praise that will build their confidence all the time.
Ron likes to help his Dad haul the groceries from the
mini-van to the house as he imitates his father’s behavior.
“Dad I’m really strong!” He exclaims as he struggles to
carry the gallon glass bottle of organic apple juice. Dad
be worried that he will drop the bottle and shatter it can
exclaim: Be careful! You’ll drop it! It’s too heavy!” In
Ron’s little mind this translates as “You are small and
weak!” Or Dad can quickly but gently take the glass gallon
and say, Thanks, son. You’re such a great help!” Notice
that now Ron’s confidence and the gallon of juice are still
intact.
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